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Where do I start?

I’m sat in my parents’ living room and the obscene spectacle that is the royal wedding is on the television. We’re actually watching the news, but of course there is no other news today. The rest of the world is on hold. Stop what you’re doing for the next 18 hours please, everyone, we’re having something very important happen today and it really would not do if anything else newsworthy were to happen. Got it? Ok. Thanks.

It doesn’t matter that I’m not at all interested in the wedding and might want to try to keep up to date with current events. At least, I’m pretty sure there are things going on other than the wedding. The problem is, no one’s willing to tell me about them. The BBC News Online has been replaced with a sickening series of ‘articles’ fawning over every minute detail of every remotely related facet of the whole thing. Want to know about what’s going on in Syria? You’ll have to scroll down past articles on people camping out for the wedding, the seating plan, the route, and even what to wear if you’re a commoner. The front page top story yesterday was that Kate & William were ‘overwhelmed’ by all the well wishing. That was the most important piece of news according to the BBC. That they were happy people were showing their support.

And speaking of support, the very few articles about people not shouting theirs from the rooftops, articles on alternative celebrations, or even just about those who have no intention to celebrate anything at all, have labeled these people, people like me, ‘Refuseniks’ and ‘Nay Sayers’. Something which I think is inexcusable from the BBC seeing as it is funded by those very people just as well as the supporters.

I’m not going to ask you to excuse me when I say I don’t give a toss about the whole thing, because I don’t need to be excused. I find it utterly sickening that so much pomp and circumstance can be vomited up over the entire country. I’m pretty sure the end of The Lord Of The Rings was slightly more modest than this.

The commentary from the BBC has been farcical. Clearly the decision was made that at no point must the commentators not be talking. Half a dozen times we were told which landmarks the cars passed on their way to the ceremony, because apparently there was nothing else to say. Down The Mall. There’s the Cenotaph… It was a case of ‘say what you see’, and when there’s nothing to look at, spout nonsensical poppycock about ‘thoughts and feelings’. At one point they were saying how you could really ‘feel the history’ within Westminster Abbey. What complete bollocks. ‘Soft News’ they call it. I call it talking shit.

Of course there was much discussion on outfits too and one of the biggest ‘shocks’ for one of our ‘experts’ was that Samantha Cameron wasn’t wearing a hat. It was almost too much to handle. The frenzy as Kate stepped into the car. A glimpse of The Dress! What is it?! Who designed it?! These were the burning questions on the tongue of every self respecting journalist. The car ride. Down The Mall. There’s the Cenotaph… And then, finally, came the confirmation on The Dress. I am fairly sure the commentator actually wet herself as she threw self restraint out of the window and whimpered ‘yaaaay!’ in a quivering voice. I could really ‘feel the excitement’ in the room. Oh wait, no… one of the dogs farted.

To say that all perspective was left behind several weeks ago would be an understatement. All that remains for the public today is to get absolutely shit-faced and pass out in a puddle of their own piss.

As for Kate and William themselves, I have nothing against them whatsoever. I’ve never disliked William at all and frankly I know nothing about Kate so am perfectly apathetic. But do I believe for one second that he is more important and worthy than any of us, and indeed that he is descended from God?! Don’t be ridiculous. Aside from my utter lack of belief in a deity, I cannot fathom a concept that certain people are inherently better and more important than me purely based on their birth. Less can I fathom a consensual prescription to the attitude that this is the case.

So from this ‘refusenik’ I wish Kate and Will’s a truly happy marriage, but the sooner all this bullshit goes away, the better.

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