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Have you heard this question? If so, you may have been in the cinema at the time watching Ray Winstone. It happened to me recently too. I sat down to watch a film and as I got comfortable, Ray came out with the very words:

Why do I go to the cinema?

I go for the big screen. The surround sound.
Heroes. Villains. The old bill…
And the gangsters.

I go for the anticipation and the buzz.
The awe, the excitement. The memories and the moments.

I go for the…

Experience.

‘Well said Ray.’ I thought to myself. This is a much better advert against piracy than those ones of people I don’t recognise thanking me for buying my ticket and telling me I make the movies. Yes Ray, I go for the experience too. I may have a decent sized TV, but it’s not 30ft and I don’t have surround sound. Even if I did have surround sound I’d never get away with watching my films at around 110dB either so yes… it’s the experience I go for.

Cinema…

Oh, wait he’s not finished yet! Here’s the kick!

Why advertise anywhere else?

What?

Wait a fucking minute. What did you just say Ray? Why advertise anywhere else? I’m pretty sure you didn’t say a god-damned thing about going to the cinema for the adverts Ray. In fact I think it’s a pretty safe bet no-one goes to the cinema for the adverts. I hate the adverts Ray. I hate them. They’re the worst part of my visits to the cinema. The fact that I can guarantee my film won’t start until a full 30 minutes AFTER the advertised time because I’m having adverts for cars and alcohol shoved down my throat. And to be reminded, 20 minutes after my film was supposed to start that ‘There’s still time for a coke’ really pisses me off too. I made time for a coke before I sat down. How did I manage it you wonder? I got to the cinema with enough time to buy my ticket and any extortionately priced snacks before my film started, that’s how. I hadn’t planned on getting to my seat, watching 20 minutes of the film then going to buy my drinks. That would be stupid. But then perhaps I am the stupid one for wanting at least the trailers to start at the advertised time. That’s what it used to be. Some funky music from Pearl and Dean followed by an advert, then maybe something about the local university, then the trailers. You didn’t get an intermission half way through the adverts. Perhaps it should say ‘if you’ve finished your coke waiting for your film to start, there’s still time to get another one before we show the trailers. Then we’ll just show one more advert before we start the film.’

And what adverts they are:

Angelica, juniper, coriander, and still more inconveniently sourced, hand selected ingredients…

What?

Inconveniently sourced?! So let me get this straight, in the age of all things green, when companies are bending over backwards to make themselves appear ethically and environmentally friendly, you [no, I won’t help them by mentioning the product] decide to go in the direction of ‘Fuck the planet, we get what we want, when we want, from where we want to make our product.’ Which is why, aside from the fact that the rest of the advert itself is complete pretentious twaddle, I will never buy that particular product.

But I digress. My point is that Cinema advertising is getting too much and I think they’re at risk of putting people off if they don’t curb it soon. I appreciate the power of a captive audience and I’m sure it’s an excellent source of revenue but half an hour of it is just too much! In fact surely if I’m forced to watch half an hour of  adverts I should have my ticket at a discount price? There’s an idea! Turn up at the advertised time for a) the best seats and b) a discount due to having to sit through the adverts! It’ll never happen though. They’ll keep pushing it and it won’t be long before I stand up and say “No more!” and the people will join me in quoting that sage of our times Homer Simpson:

STOP THE MADNESS! START THE MOVIE!

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